Player Biographies
Current Team
Christopher Derr
San Diego, CA
(9 - 2- 1)
Chris Derr, the human Golden Retriever of the G-Cup, stumbles into this year’s tournament with his game in shambles. His handicap has plummeted to a +2.1 from last year’s +2.9, meaning he’s practically unrecognizable as a golfer now. Adding insult to injury, he’s no longer the youngest guy in the cup, which could throw him off, though Chris has always been mentally older than everyone else by 20 years, so it’s a wash.
Being a native of SoCal and Mexico, Derr is fully prepared to handle the scorching triple-digit temps coming this week while the rest of us wilt in the heat. As a semi-local, he’s also handpicked the courses and games, so if the layout ruins your round, log all complaints directly with him. And if you happen to see his Find My Friends location pop up as “STEELE CANYON GRINDHOUSE,” don’t ask too many questions—it could be his home course, or it could be that kind of a gentlemen’s club.
No matter what happens, no matter how tough times get the worst thing Chris will do is slam his wedge into a bunker, shower his opponent with sand and then apologize profusely. And when that happens there is only one thing to do - feed on that sand - live in it. Make it your home. That’s how you get under Derr’s skin.
Alex Locke
Chicago, IL
(2 - 1 - 0)
Alex Locke is a devoted husband and father, an accomplished runner, and an incredibly thoughtful and kind human being. He will gladly take any conversation and find a way to steer it towards promoting health, happiness, and bettering a sense of well being.
Unfortunately, if you are playing him this year, he specifically goes to G-Cup to take a break from all of that.
Having finished his rookie G-Cup season with a winning record, a bona fide nemesis, and a taste for blood in his mouth, he has harnessed the addictive feeling of winning with his relentless desire for self-improvement into a mission of never wanting to lose again. He will not be afraid to match you shot for shot, nor will he back down from any intimidation factor you think you might be able to throw at him. If you come to G-Cup wanting to find a worthy adversary for an 18 hole knife fight, you have won the lottery.
Jon Cifuentes
Durham, NC
(2 - 4 - 0)
“It’s-a me, Wario! I’ve come to get your coins!”
“Coins…what coins? Where am I…” The year is 1989 and you’re holding your Gameboy playing your favorite game, the creatively titled “Golf”.
“How is this possible,” you think to yourself. Wario wasn’t introduced until Super Mario Land 2: 6 Golden Coins. “Why do I even know that?”, you say outloud.
“Why do you know what, honey?” Your mom says from the hallway. Crap, I’m supposed to be doing my homework! You hide the Gameboy and open up your notebook. Only…your notes are missing. In their place are drawings, dozens and dozens of drawings of a mustachioed golfer in different swing positions. Beside them are detailed notes. “Shallow the club!”, one says. “Rotate harder!”, says another. “Tempo tempo tempo!!” They’re unhinged, scribbled in the writing of a man who’s clearly lost his mind. You slam the notebook shut and the crack of the pages jolts you awake.
Suddenly, you’re somewhere else, somewhere warm. You blink the sun out of your eyes and realize you’re staring directly at Wario.
“Yo! Are you alright man? Sorry, maybe you shouldn’t have taken so much.” says Jon. “Taken so much what?”, you think. You look around and realize it’s 2024, and you’re in Palm Springs at the G-Cup. You remember you’ve just taken mushrooms for the first time. You’re not staring at Wario, you’re thankful it’s just Jon Cifuentes’s smiling face next to you in the cart.
He’s just hit it to 3 feet and has a chance to make birdie. You’re on a golf weekend with your boys. For just this one weekend, all is right with the world. But as he gets up, Jon looks you straight in the eyes and says, “Stouter than an Iron burrito, studlier than a snow tire, faster than a galloping mule he is, er.. I am Waaaario-Man!"
Santi Diaz-Arauzo
Chicago, IL
(0 - 0 - 0)
Picture this. You’re on the first tee of G-cup 2024. Santi, the fresh recruit, has the honors. As he steps to the box, small talk and chatter ensues. Next to you, you hear “so who’s up next?” It’s none other than Santi, who already ripped his tee shot.
This, my friends, is the Santi experience. No matter how hard you try, your pace of play sucks compared to him. If he was walking and you in a cart, you’d still probably hold up the group. Also, this man raw dogs his shots, no practice swings, so accept that it’s something that your slow ass will need to get used to. In addition, this man is straight yoked. Moonlights as a bouncer? Maybe. Nevertheless, this unit of a Creatine Argentine makes sure that the golf ball gets sent.
Mark Fung
Chicago, IL
(13 - 3 - 1)
If the now less cool quote by Jay Z, “I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, man!” was ever more true for a man, it would be Mark Fung. The swagger on this man… The “drip” as they say will make any woman wet, just looking at him.
But Mark doesn’t focus on the women of the world. He only aims to impress his incredible girlfriend of more years than any 3 year old can count. His other focus is indoor simulated golf because well.. Brr, it’s fucking cold in Chicago. How an indoor golf junky can eak out a victory at last year’s g-cup, everyone is confused. But win or lose, he’s going to look like a champion.
Now a hoe-moaner in San Diego, Mark can frolic year around in the beautiful sun of the best coast. Maybe he can even get some sweet lessons from Derr now that they’re neighbors.
The man, the myth, the legend that won’t be caught dead in anything less than airforce one golf shoes. So even if the sun dries him out in Palm Springs, he’ll still be stuntin on fools. Mah boi!
Dan Wright
Mt. Airy, MD
(3 - 9 - 0)
Dan "The Man" — and by “man,” I mean the nicest guy you will ever meet. Seriously, if you’ve got a neighbor like Dan, you’ve got to be living the dream. This guy’s dad-game is next level. He’s got two beautiful daughters with his beautiful wife Kate, and if you need a picture of the American Dream, just look his way. He’s the epitome of the classic American man—just, you know, in a slightly more fun-sized package.
Dan showed up a few years ago, thanks to a mutual friend (was it Emmit? Allen? 🤷🏼♂️) who’s now history (because, let's face it, we traded up). He’s always the guy you want in your foursome. For one reason, his handicap just keeps getting better every year despite spending half the year in cold Maryland winters. Are performance enhancing drugs at play? How does he turn it around so quick?! No one knows.
Honestly though, watching the growth in his game is not only motivating but it’s like watching a soaking wet squirrel heroically pull himself out of a pool filter. To everyone’s surprise he’s still holding the nuts in his cheeks he was storing away for winter. What a brave, amazing guy. Climb that tree and be victorious!
Despite dropping his handicap lower and lower every year he always remains at least 2-5 strokes back from his gargantuan nemesis, Moyer. But have no fear folks, this year is different. Dan has been walking the PGA and LPGA tour events with his girls, seemingly every month from what we can tell; watching, learning, pointing out techniques to the girls hoping to pick some up himself. This man has a vision and he’s bound to realize it soon.
Let’s be real though… Dan is the best of us in poise, kindness, and regalness. He has the most epic rate of progress of everyone year after year. At some point he’ll not only topple Moyer’s thick bodied athleticism on the course, he’ll beat each and every one of us. That day will be sooner than we all think and we’ll all be there excited to witness it first hand.